So I finally got to Chicago today at like two or three. We checked into the hotel and have been walking around the city ever since. The place is beautiful. Breathtaking. I can’t find the words adequate enough to describe it.
So I won’t. There’s too many things running through my mind right now. From Mike, to home, to school, to leaving my family, to starting a whole new life. I move in tomorrow so maybe expect a long, long post about it tomorrow night. If I’m up to it that is…and not enjoying all that college has to offer.
I’m all packed. Everything is in the car, stowed in suitcases, trash bags and a TON of Urban Outfitters shopping bags. It’s just a little bit amusing that I put my life into bags from Urban Outfitters, since about three quarters of my clothes are from there. But either way, my room looks and feels very empty without all my stuff; it’s so impersonal. I also don’t feel the weight of the move. I feel as if we’re just going on a trip, or going to see family. But no, I’m going to college. SHIT SON.
I saw Mike tonight. I went into it expecting a date. I left with a really good friend. But I don’t think that’s how he feels, which makes the whole situation ten times as complicated (as if it wasn’t complicated already). We talked about everything and anything. From his classes to my hair to his sisters to my fear of school. We talked about past boyfriends and girlfriends. We talked about work and friends and relationships and people who burned us. I told him about HIM, about the guy who changed my high school view of boys. About the guy who ruined me and built me up at the same time. And the whole time I was telling him this story, I kept thinking about how Mike is so similar to him. I think that’s the thing that make me back off, the thing that scared me away. They’re too similar. And Ian has hurt me to this day. He left me suspicious of everything. And then it took all my might to ask Mike about his job situation. We talked about it the night before but he denied it then. Well today he admitted it but promised to stop. I wanted to scream “YOU DON’T NEED TO PROMISE ME ANYTHING! YOU DON’T OWE ME ANYTHING.” But I just said thank you and smiled sheepishly. He scares me. But in a good way. I want to be around him more. He kept dropping little things like “well now I’m a part of your life,” and “god I hate Chicago for taking you from me” and I kept thinking how easy it would be to just date him. To be cute and friendly and boyfriend/girlfriend. But I talked to thing one and thing two last night and they’re right in saying that you DO NOT want a boyfriend in college. That’s what I said at the beginning of summer and that’s what I’m going to say at the end of summer. Because it’s true. Thanksgiving, Christmas and summer breaks are a whole different story though.
We head out 10 o’clock tomorrow. Wish me luck.
So this guy is driving me insane. I never felt like this toward anybody. I keep getting frustrated about the situation and I keep wanting to just drop all contact. But he always somehow manages to wiggle his way back in. So while I should really be packing tomorrow, I’m going to go see him. Because, apparently “it’s pretty obvious how he feels but sometimes things happen and sometimes stuff comes up.” And while I tell him that I hate that, that I hate this whole air of mystery, he says stuff like “I hate Chicago for taking me from you.” And I just melt. Especially since he says he adores me and that I’m beautiful. He’s just a nice person to be around and he just makes me feel happy. Sucks that I only find him now…two days before I leave half-way across the country.
I video chatted with my friend from high school today for like over two hours. We have a really strange relationship. We went to middle school together but we honestly HATED each other and then we were at different high schools until junior year. I was friends with him right as he was figuring out that he might be gay so we got a lot closer. Now two years later, we’re as close as ever but it’s in such a big brother little sister kind of way (even though we’ve the same age). He’s at GW and he’s basking in the glory of his gayness so it was just good to catch up with him. I miss him and staying in touch makes me happy.
Then my super duper best friend whom I haven’t talked since July IMs me and for a while it just silly random stuff that doesn’t really matter and then the elephant in the room was finally attended to. She says she’s sorry for losing touch this summer and that she doesn’t really know how that happened. I feel the same way, and I really missed talking to her. She’s kind of my guiding light in my stupid actions because most of what I’m doing she’s already been though. So it was good to catch up with her too.
Now all that’s left is my super duper best friend number two who’s literally on the other side of the country also basking in the glory of his (newfound) gayness. Gayness that I’m not really supposed to know about. Maybe I’ll catch him online sometime soon and we too can clear the air.
I stopped by Harriton today just to see what the new school is like. And it’s BIG. It was good to see Mr. O’Brien and walk around a not really familiar place but one with a very familiar spirit. I miss high school and miss the security and comfort it provided. I dunno…I’ve been saying the whole time how I have this internal struggle between total excitement for school and complete fear. But I think that the excitement is finally winning over the fear since I feel really prepared for everthing.
I said bye to Hannah today. We talked at Milkboy for like two and a half hours…but it honestly felt like fifteen minutes. It’s funny how she’s become such good friend to me in honestly the last month. I feel like we really click and we know how the other functions. I haven’t been able to be myself like I’m being with her for a really long time. It might be because she’s been really honest with me from the start and that’s refreshing to see from someone.
I’m getting my hair cut tomorrow. I have to pack everything tomorrow. I have my orthodontist appointment tomorrow. I’m seeing Mike tomorrow. Uh oh. Eventful day.
He deals weed. I asked him about it about he denied it. I told him he frustrates me and signed offline. I hate myself for caring so much. But I hate myself even more for the fact that I got involved with another guy like that. I can’t believe I still haven’t been able to distinguish the guys I need to stay away from…
So I started packing up all my shit today…there’s way too much of it. I packed up pretty much all of my make-up and jewelry and all the school stuff I have (like pens, pencils, post-its and crap like that) and my books. That alone takes up a box and a half. Then add onto that all my bags and all the stuff I bought (another 2 boxes full of shit) and all my clothes and…it’s just too much. I’m so overwhelmed by the whole thing. Like, I really don’t know how to go about limiting what I take with me; I just want to take everything!
I organized all the pictures that I want. I have a BUNCH of frames and then I bought this whiteboard with room for pictures and then I have another posterboard of pictures, and THEN I still have this hanging thing to stick pictures on. Hopefully that’ll be enough.
I’m gonna be running around like crazy all day tomorrow. I have to go to the bank, then I’m going back to high school to say goodbye to all my teachers…then I’m seeing Hannah and maybe Mike and saying by to them. I dunno about Mike…cross your fingers that he’ll actually do something. We’ve been talking online non stop and videochatting no stop. I just want him to hold me. Really. I do.
Alright…time to go pack some more. Or watch TV…hmmm.